The BDSM community is built on trust, consent, and mutual respect. However, not everyone who calls themselves a Dominant truly understands what it means. Many fake “Doms” are just men/women using the label to manipulate and control submissives without regard for their safety or emotional and psychological health. These fake Doms can be dangerous, emotionally damaging, and toxic to the BDSM community.

If you’re a woman exploring BDSM, learning to identify these red flags can save you from bad experiences and help you find partners who respect and appreciate you. I hope this guide helps you spot fake Doms, the warning signs to look for, and how to protect yourself in the BDSM world.

What Is a Fake Dom?

A fake Dom is someone who claims to be a Dominant but lacks the key qualities that make a true, responsible, and caring Dom. Instead of prioritizing consent, communication, and aftercare, they focus on control, manipulation, and sometimes even abuse.

Unlike real Dominants, who take time to understand their submissives, discuss boundaries, and build trust, fake Doms often rush things, disregard limits, and put their own pleasure above everything else.

10 Red Flags of a Fake Dom

1. They Ignore or Disrespect Boundaries

A true Dom will always respect limits, no matter how small they seem. If someone pushes, ignores, or dismisses your boundaries, they are not a safe partner. A fake Dom might say things like:

• “A real submissive wouldn’t say no to her Dom.”
• “You’ll learn to like it.”
• “Limits are for weak subs.”

🚨 Warning: If they make you feel guilty for having limits, walk away immediately.

2. They Refuse to Discuss Consent or a Safe Word

Consent is the foundation of BDSM. Any real Dom will insist on discussing safe words, limits, and consent before engaging in any play. A fake Dom might say:

• “We don’t need a safe word, I know what I’m doing.”
• “Trust me, I’ll take care of you.”

🚨 Warning: If they downplay consent, they are not a Dom, you’re dealing with a predator.

3. They Expect Immediate Submission

A real Dominant earns submission over time through trust and connection. Fake Doms, on the other hand, demand instant submission without proving themselves.

🚨 Warning: If they call you “slave” or “pet” before even getting to know you, that’s a major red flag.

4. They Lack Knowledge About BDSM

A genuine Dom takes time to learn techniques, safety measures, and the psychological aspects of BDSM. A fake Dom often knows very little beyond what they’ve seen in movies or porn.

🚨 Warning: Ask them about their experience and knowledge. If they get defensive or vague, they might be faking it.

5. They Are Only Focused on Their Own Pleasure

BDSM is about mutual satisfaction. A selfish Dom who only cares about their own pleasure is not a Dom at all.

🚨 Warning: If they never ask about your desires, needs, or well-being, they are not looking for a partnership, they are looking for a plaything.

6. They Don’t Believe in Aftercare

Aftercare is essential after BDSM play. It helps both partners come down from the intensity of the experience. Fake Doms often skip this step, saying:

• “Aftercare is for weak subs.”
• “I don’t have time for that.”

🚨 Warning: If they vanish after play or dismiss aftercare, they are not a safe Dom.

7. They Play the ‘True Dom’ Card

Some fake Doms use manipulation tactics like:

• “A true submissive does what she’s told.”
• “You’re not a real sub if you have limits.”
• “A real Dom doesn’t need to ask for permission.”

🚨 Warning: This is emotional manipulation. A real Dom never forces submission or shames a sub for having boundaries.

8. They Are Overly Aggressive from the Start

While BDSM can involve rough play, it should never start without consent. Fake Doms often go straight into aggressive behavior without checking if their partner is comfortable.

🚨 Warning: If someone acts possessive, forceful, or violent before trust is established, they are not a real Dom.

9. They Avoid Open Communication

A healthy BDSM relationship relies on clear and honest communication. Fake Doms avoid serious discussions and may refuse to talk about:

• Boundaries
• Relationship expectations
• Emotional connection

🚨 Warning: If they avoid deep conversations and only talk about sex, they are not looking for a real BDSM relationship.

10. They Disrespect the BDSM Community

The BDSM community has strong values of respect, education, and safety. Fake Doms often have no involvement in the community and may even insult experienced kinksters.

🚨 Warning: If they say things like “I don’t need a community” or “I don’t follow rules,” they are likely unsafe.

How to Protect Yourself from Fake Doms

✅ Ask Questions: A real Dom will gladly discuss BDSM, limits, and expectations.
✅ Take Your Time: Never rush into submission, get to know them first.
✅ Talk to Other Subs: Seek advice from experienced members of the BDSM community.
✅ Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, don’t ignore it.
✅ Never Feel Pressured: A real Dom will never push you beyond your comfort zone.

Final Thoughts: A Real Dom Respects You

A true Dominant understands that submission is a gift, not a demand. BDSM should feel safe, fulfilling, and empowering. If someone disrespects your boundaries, pressures you, or ignores consent, they are not a Dom, they are a danger.

By educating yourself and recognizing red flags, you can find partners who truly respect you and your submission. The BDSM world is full of amazing, caring Dominants who understand the beauty of trust and connection don’t settle for less.

Be safe 🙂